Okay, I'll make my first official post about something I'm sure we're all worried about. You know, with 2012 and the end of the World on it's way... The Zombie Apocalypse!!! To be honest, although I don't believe it'll happen, there are days when I find myself ruminating a bit on just how zombies could actually exist. Now, I've been told by one of my friends that by "dissecting" how zombies work is counter productive.The fun comes from their bizarreness, right? Unfortunately, thanks to way too many science classes I seem to be obsessed with figuring out the logistics. I just won't tell my buddy!I'll start it off by listing the known "facts" about zombies. The best way to look at a problem is from multiple views, and so for the benefit of the argument I'll try to incorporate more than one type of zombie: movie zombie, mythical zombie, and the scientific zombie (no you won't find them in a lab coat, they're just more factual). After this, I will attempt to put to type my thoughts about why it doesn't work, and lastly I will show how I think a zombie might exist.
1. Zombies are dead.
Whoa, news flash I know. True unless we take the "28 Days Later", half-alive version. However, this is an important note because it affects quite a bit more further on.
2. Zombies eat brains.
Yeah, that's right brains. There are no vegen zombies, at least not that I've heard of... but there are those who eat any flesh, which we'll come back to.
3. Zombies are slow.
Not having higher brain functioning and decomposing bodies makes it tough for them to run.
4. Zombies don't have anything more than primal brain functioning.
What this really means is that zombies can't reason, open a door, or beat you at a game of checkers.
5. To kill the zombie you have to brain them.
No awesome flame thrower or acid attacks here folks.
6. You get bitten, or a chunk of zombie nast gets into a cut, bye-bye college career: you're now one of them.
These are 6 basic principals that I think the majority of zombies follow, but of course rules are meant to be broken... at least where some innovative (and sometimes badly thought out) zombie flicks are concerned. Okay so let's go from here and discuss more in detail how each zombie category might utilize each of the six categories.
Movie Zombie: Definitely dead, I'm hearkening back to "Dawn of the Dead" and all those. These zombies all come from Zombie Alpha, who probably got infected by a virus, or a rabid dog in the Appalachians. Most movies aren't as concerned with the "how" so much as the "holy crap, there are zombies everywhere and I'm sick of running and only eating twinkies" feeling. These zombies seem to possess super strength, chainsaw arms, you name it. And lucky for you, intrepid hero, you can use just about anything to stop them, even that ridiculous hunting knife you carry around. These zombies normally just wander around, especially at night, and collect in groups as they seek fresh meat. They're slow, stupid, and smell bad. Not too much truth behind them, again, we're going with the gore factor, not real science! Come on people! Zombie team -2, Humans +2
Mythical Zombie: A lot of the zombie hype came from the old tellings of big bad voodoo daddies and witch doctors raising the dead to do their bidding, usually by means of a secret potion or something of that nature. They have super strength, won't die even if you pop them in the head, and have in some instances been able to use magic themselves. Overall if you're the hero, this presents one of the worst versions of a zombie you could possible go up against. Zombie team +3, humans -1.
Scientific Zombie: Books like "World War Z" and others have really tried to bring some scientific street cred back to the humble zombie. They attempt to answer the questions of "how" and "what", and even throw in a bit of "where" for good measure. These zombies follow set rules, don't change much, and the plot centralizes primarily on the humans who survive and how they fight back. These zombies come from either a form of rabies, or a parasite of some type and they can be killed pretty easily just by destroying the majority of the brain. Another thing I like about these zombies is that the reality of them, if they entered this world, is truly scary. There is a lot we take for granted about the movie versions, but if scientific zombies did exist, most folks would be screwed; not because people are inherently dumb, but because they would overlook too much. For example, zombies don't breathe, so all of your favorite water holes and pools, ponds, and reservoirs would potentially be harboring a bunch of soggy zombies, just waiting to drag you down to a murky doom. Zombie team -2, Humans +2.
Now that we've covered all of these different zombitypes in more detail, I want to talk about some of the inherent issues with traditional "zombieism". Again I'll attack this with a list, just to keep all of the ideas more coherent. Three choices here, just to keep it easy:
1. Necrosis of tissue: Pyrobeastialicnecrophiliaphobia? Okay, maybe not, but because zombies are dead, their flesh, and all other body systems begin to decompose. Hence bad smell, rotting limbs, flayed flesh, all the gross stuff Hollywood loves to show us. However, if indeed zombies were rotting, how much longer would nerves relaying electrical signals fire, or even be able to transmit a signal? Body systems work in a complex exchange of heat, proteins, sugars, and enzymatic reactions, not to mention a bunch of other stuff, so if the body is dead, there is no way for these interactions to occur. Thus no energy, thus no movement.
2. Reintegration of vital amino acids and energy absorption: By eating guts and brains, we would assume that zombies are gaining something, either in the form of sustenance, or at least on a basic level, energy. Again, energy comes from breaking down more complex molecules into less complex ones, thus to continue to move, especially with super strength etc, they would need copious amounts of energy coming in to balance that which they put out. Otherwise they would look a bit like our national coffers, and that would be one sad zombie.
3. Corporate sociology of survivors: This part is actually related more towards the environment within which a zombie lives, but it is important because it affects their survival. People, for the majority of cases, work together tremendously well in the face of a common enemy. Zombies are great because instead of demonizing another group of humanity, like comics from WWII did to the Japanese and Germans, the enemy actually is a monster. There isn't much rationalizing that needs to occur to feel okay with blowing away a couple of zombies, especially when you, your family, or friends are in danger.
So, now that I've officially upset my friend by unmystifying the zombie, I'll have to make amends by explaining some ways "zombieism" would be possible. First, we would need a mechanism for creating the zombie, and I'm going to go with good old-fashioned communal parasitism with a dash of zoonautic disease transferal for good measure.
Let's get away for a second from the standard, "man bitten by dog" scenario of first infection. Let's say we take a species of aggressive mold or fungus that acts communally and discovers how to take over its host without eventually killing it. In fact, it figures out a way to incorporate itself into the nerve fiber of whatever it infects to, allowing for some amount of rudimentary control. Now that infected host, maybe just an ant to start, begins infecting all of its colony mates. Eventually, we have a huge amount of infected hosts biologically connected to one another through their nervous systems. Then it needs to spread out more. At this point, we start going up the ladder of social animals until... dog bites man. Whoa wait, I said that wouldn't happen. What's more realistic at this point? Ah yes, man's friend's dog humps man's leg. Okay, maybe I'm just harboring resentment about that incident, but still... Dog meets other dogs at park, sniff sniff leads to infection, and voilà! now five other dogs go home to five families.
Just like that we have a plausible (although not realistic per se) interpretation of how infection could occur. Now we need to figure out how to make this into more a archetypical zombie.
From here, let's say the original communal parasite changes as it moves up through the animal kingdom. It gets better at handling complex nervous systems like mammals and eventually adapts the ability to pilot our nerves. When this parasitic mold or fungus attacked ants, the rudimentary commands of "forward", "back", et-cetera were all it could use, and so it required very little energy to maintain control. But now, with more complex organisms, it needs more fuel. It changes the hosts' bodies a bit. to accommodate for this. Maybe the skin starts to exhibit a more dead look, green and slimy, coated in oozing mold; but still very much alive. Maybe the stomach and intestines have been modified to absorb nutrients essential to promoting growth and maintain control of the host organism's nervous system. And perhaps other adaptations occur to make the fungus's survival more secure, all the while making the host more zombie-like. Death factor -10. Awesome living zombie +15.
That wraps up a quick summary of a unique method for the creation of a more rationally formed zombie. I hope I was able to salvage a bit from those who believe that rationalizing zombies is a waste of time, and lent a new perspective on a unique topic. Here's to 10 months and counting before the Zombie Apocalypse!
UPDATE 02/10/2012 Are you kidding me!? I just opened up my new Game Informer Magazine and read about the new Video Game "The Last of Us" and as awesome as it looks, it uses my FUNGAL INFECTION scenario! I guess I should give them kudos for coming up with such a brilliant idea though. Maybe this works like co-discoveries in science: if two people discovery the same thing, in two parts of the world, at the same time, they both get credit for it. Oh well, we'll see.
